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 Naughty Jokes

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Mr Miyagi

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Male Number of posts : 155
Age : 88
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PostSubject: Naughty Jokes   Thu Apr 03, 2008 2:28 pm

They aren't really bad, just a warning for anyone easily offended.


=============================================================

What Is Sex?


A Young girl went to her dad, who was
working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father
was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if
she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a
straight answer.

He proceeded to tell her all about the
"birds and the bees." When he finished explaining, the little girl was
looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why
did you ask this question?"

The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

==============================================================

New Medication


The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily
against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over
there by the wall?
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something
for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire
bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"


===============================================================

The Big Wave


A man with no arms or legs is sunbathing on the beach. He is approached by three beautiful young women who take pity on him.

The first says to him, "Have you ever been hugged?" The man shakes his head, and she leans down and gives him a hug.

The second says to him, "Have you ever been kissed?"

He shakes his head. She kisses him.

Rather abruptly, the third girl asks, "Have you ever been screwed?"

"No," says the man, his eyes lighting up.

"Well, you are now, The tide's coming in."

===============================================================

Why men don't write advice columns?

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here.
The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual.
I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.
I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I
got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a
neighbor lady .
I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married
for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted
that he'd been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to
stop or I would leave him.
He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless.
I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant.
I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?
Sincerely,

Mrs... Lisa


Dear Lisa:


A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.

Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line.

If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the
vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches
solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty,
causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Walter

===============================================================

Birthday Sex



Adam was talking to his friend at a bar. He said,
"I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything,
and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck."

His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you
make up a certificate saying that she can have 60 minutes of great sex,
anyway she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled."

So Adam decided to listen to his friend's advice.

The next day at the bar, his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," Adam replied.

"Did she like it?"

"Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead, and ran out the door, yelling, "I'll be back in an hour!"

===============================================================

Phone Sex


Two men were chatting and one asked the other, "John, do you talk to your wife while you're having wild sex?"
John answered, "Heavens No! Why would you want to make a phone call at a time like that?"


===============================================================

Aspirin


A guy is out with his buddies. He has a few drinks and gets in the mood,but true to his wife goes home.
When he gets home he finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open. He gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth.
Of course she chokes but recovers and asks, "What did you put in my mouth??"
He says, "Two aspirin".
She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE"!!!
He says, "Good!! That's what I wanted to hear."


===============================================================

Wife's Appointment


One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist
appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The Husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This
time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment
tomorrow too?"


===============================================================

Husband Comes Home Early



A guy came home early and found his wife in bed with another man. "What the hell are you doing?" shouted the irate husband.

"See," the wife said to the man lying beside her, "Didn't I tell you he doesn't know a thing about sex?"

===============================================================
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Flower
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PostSubject: Re: Naughty Jokes   Thu Apr 03, 2008 9:45 pm

bahahahaa them are funny and some really made me rofl
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Princess
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PostSubject: Re: Naughty Jokes   Fri Apr 04, 2008 5:55 am

How about this one.

Woman walks into a pharmacy and asks for arsenic. The pharmacist asks, "Why do you want arsenic?" "I want to kill my husband," came the reply. "I'm sorry ma'am, I can't do that. In fact, I may have to report you to the police" The woman wordlessly pulls out a picture of her husband making love with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist wordlessly studies the picture, hands it back to her and says, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
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Rose Blossom
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PostSubject: Re: Naughty Jokes   Sat Apr 05, 2008 7:00 am

Very good funnies. 2 thumbs up I just wish I could remember them, for then I could post a few. Rolling Eyes I will have to come back and post some.
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Colossus
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PostSubject: Re: Naughty Jokes   Sat Apr 05, 2008 8:54 pm

Very good, some I have seen or heard before. LOL
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Hook
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PostSubject: Re: Naughty Jokes   Sun Apr 06, 2008 6:58 pm

I like, may have to "borrough" them LOL
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Kahuna
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PostSubject: Re: Naughty Jokes   Mon Apr 07, 2008 9:33 pm

HAHAHA!! Nothing like a good dity joke to keep on your mind all day!
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Lil' Turtle
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PostSubject: Re: Naughty Jokes   Sun Apr 13, 2008 11:09 pm

i laughed so hard i woke m daughter

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